Life's Leading Ladies.

Lately, I've been thinking about my future.

And freaking out a little bit.

Yes yes, the plight of all college students. It's a very common story. They get to that point where they realize that college doesn't last forever, graduation is rapidly approaching, and they still have no idea what they want to do.

I'm in the Acting Program at BYU. It took me 2 years to get in. Two years of stress and playing the Game, and doing everything I could just to make it in.

I'm in.

I'm in...now what?

I have no idea. During a recent theater trip to LA, we were able to do a Q&A with a large group of actors who were friends and colleagues of my teachers. They described the process and the way that an actor "makes it" in LA.

It's not for me. It's just not for me.

And it got me thinking...what is for me? What do I want to do? What do I do with this mostly practically useless degree and incredibly impractical career choice of mine?

Then, while listening to the Pocahontas soundtrack the other morning, I had a small ephiphany about the kind of person I am. And I realized I'm not really the leading lady type. (not in theatre, but in Life. Capital L for dramatic effect.)

Get ready for this one guys, this is embarrassing.

Because, really, if my life was Pocahontas, I would be Nakoma. The friend. The placid, complacent, platitudinous, prosaic best friend. The one who doesn't like to make waves, or even ripples, really. I don't dive off of waterfalls, or have animal friends, or talk to trees. I don't risk it all to be different or to go against the grain. I'm not ambitious. I don't have any grand schemes, or plans. I don't feel any burning need to change the world, or change the way things work. Sometimes being Nakoma makes me not very fun, sometimes it makes me afraid to take risks, sometimes it makes me miss opportunities.

Look at that face. The disapproval. Yikes.

The question is: Shouldn't I be the leading lady of my own life?

Can't be I be Pocahontas, canoeing bravely around river bends, singing with those mountain voices, defying the conventions, changing the world, having a hot bod and ridiculous hair and a sweet tattoo? I mean, look at this woman!

Stop it Pocahontas, you're fabulous. No, really, stop.

I don't know exactly what conclusion I've come to about this discovery. Right now I'm halfway between understanding that this is the way I am, and being this way isn't necessarily a bad thing, and being at peace with my Nakoma-ness; and knowing that I've got to start making some fundamental changes in myself in order to better serve my life and future.

But mostly...I just feel like this:

So basically, I have no answer. This was pretty stream of consciousness. (Conscious? I was never taught grammar properly.) I guess that this is just life, finding out where you fit in; which character molds you fit into, which you combine, which you stretch, and which you break. I also guess that life is blindly stumbling along, trying your best to have faith even though you're terrified....cause that's what I'm doing. Yikes.

Now, watch this video. This song is ridiculously wonderful. It'll make you feel good.

Moral of the story: Pocahontas is my favorite Disney movie.

And I'm lame for making this extended of a metaphor about myself from animated Disney characters.

Goodnight.